Little Guido was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you.
It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat.”
Little Guido replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”
The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”
Little Guido answered, “No, he minded his own frickin’ business!”
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead team were sent out to install telephone poles for the Telephone Company. After the first day, the brunette team had installed 30 poles, the redhead team had installed 37 poles, and the blonde team had installed 7. The contractor was outraged with the blonde team and demanded to know why they had done so few.
“Hey, we saw what the other teams were doing. Their’s were still sticking out of the ground.”
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Bill Maher on Barack Obama
Americans have finally got beyond our racial past, and picked a black man to clean up our mess.
But all this doesn’t matter because Obama keeps pulling away in the polls. Every week, he gets a little more ahead. And with almost all groups. Liberals, of course, always supported him. … And conservatives like the idea of paying a black man to clean up their mess.
To try to steal some of McCain’s thunder, Obama went on the ‘Bill O’Reilly Show’ last night. Anybody catch that? Ooh. I thought O’Reilly was tough, but fair. Cordial. But I didn’t like that he was always checking to see if his wallet was still there.
Amy Poehler on Barack Obama
Barack Obama this week named Nobel Prize-winning physicist Steve Chu as his energy secretary, unless he was just sneezing.
Seth Meyers on Barack Obama
On Tuesday Barack Obama warned that the country could face trillion dollar deficit in the years to come in an address many said was
reminiscent of Martin Luther King’s famous “I had a Bad Dream” speech.
Craig Ferguson on Barack Obama
Tomorrow night Barack Obama is buying a half-hour commercial on CBS, NBC and Fox. Not on ABC, though. I think it is because they’ve got `Dancing with the Stars.’ That’s where viewers can watch an elderly person make a fool out of themselves and then get voted out of the competition. Which is completely different from the election, of course.
In this election, Obama is so far ahead now it seems the only way he can lose is if his supporters screw it up. But Obama’s supporters have a secret weakness. They’re Democrats. They are perfectly capable of screwing this up. I’m not sure if Democrats remember how to win an election. They haven’t won an election since 2000.
Both presidential candidates reacted to the market turmoil today. Barack Obama laid out a detailed five-part plan, but John McCain’s plan is much simpler. He’s just going to have his wife fix it.
Barack Obama gave a speech in Germany and 200,000 people showed up. There were so many Germans shouting and screaming that France surrendered just in case.
A Republican politician form Idaho has endorsed Barack Obama. The last time a Republican switched sides was in an airport men’s room.
Someone Joke:
Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, and Oprah were all on a plain when Michelle said she could throw out $100 and make 100 people very happy, Obama trying to be the dominating person and said he could throw out $1000 and make 1000 people very happy.Oprah trying to show off and said she could throw out $1000000 and make 1000000 very happy, the piliot over heard there conversation and opened a curtain and looked back and said i can throw out all 3 of you out and make half the Fucking country happy!
These are from a book called ‘Disorder in the American Courts’ and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes…
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? what school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
- What is Gipsy doing on computer?
- He is searching for the “Recycle Bin”!
A rich countryman called his son studying in city, asking him about all. If he’s passing examinations, if he has any problem, if he’s found mates…
– Everything is O.K., daddy, I only feel unpleasantly ’cause my colleagues all come onto lecturing by tram, and only me by Mercedes.
- Don’t worry, my son, you’ll get a tram, too, daddy promise you!
Jack is sitting in pub drinking pints of beer. Joe comes in and asks him:
- Are you crazy, Jack? Why do you hold your wife’s photo on the table?
- It’s my alcoholic-test!
- What!?
- Well, when I begin to like my wife, it’s a sign that I’m drunk and mustn’t drink any more.
Two mates are driving back to the city after a weekend spent in country vine-dresser’s hut.
- Jack, how tall can a penguin grow up?
- I’m not sure, Joe, I suppose the biggest is so-called king penguin which can reach one meter height. Why do you ask it?
- Well, you must drive more carefully then. It seems that you’ve just run over a nun.
- What do you mean that I must be careful!? You’re driving, anyway!
Jack came into the bar.
- Waitress, five glasses of wine! Jack drank out all and called for more:
- Waitress, three glasses of wine! Jack again drank them all and complained tiredly:
- Waitress, give me a glass of some better wine. From this one I’m more and more drunken although I’m drinking less and less!
Jack came home drunk at dawn. His wife screamed:
- You are coming home drunk again! You said yesterday that you’ve decided to be a new man!
- Well, I am a new man, indeed, but what can I do ’cause this other man also drinks!
Waiter brought ordered pizza to a blond.
- Would you like it cut into six or twelve pieces?
- Six, please! I couldn’t eat up twelve!
Everybody can do same fault twice except virgin and parachutist
A young lady-teacher in tram loudly titled a man beside:
- Excuse me, sir, I’m not sure, are you father of one of my kids?
Joe is a rheumatic, so his doctor advised him to beware from humidity. Next year at about same date he came back and asked:
- Doctor, I feel much better, could I wash myself now?
- What says a hen run over by car? – That was a great rooster!
A kid is asking his father:
- Daddy, what does it mean that somebody is drunk?
- Hmm, can you see those two trees? Well, a drunk man would see four ones.
- But, daddy, there is only one tree there!
John woos Mary.
- If you marry me, you must know that you’ll cook three times a day. Tasteful breakfast, either I’m home or not. Tasteful lunch, either I’m home or not. And tasteful dinner, either I’m home or not.
Mary listens and answers.
If you marry me, you must know that I have sex three times a day, either you’re home or not!
An journalists are interviewing an old man.
- Grandpa Jacky, today you’re celebrating your 100th birthday. What is the reason for a such long life?
- The main reason, children, is because the police has never achieved to catch Jack The Ripper!
Judge:
- Why would you like to divorce?
Wife:
- Because he never listens what I say.
Judge:
- Is it true, sir?
Husband:
- Excuse me, Your Honor, what did she say?
At the breaking of alcohol drinking habit’s session, the leader is trying to demonstrate the alcohol’s noxiousness.
- Look, in this glass is brandy. Now I am putting this vivacious worm in it. Tell us, Jack, what happened?
- The worm perished!
- Well, what can you conclude from this fact?
- It’s certain that one who drinks brandy won’t get intestinal worms!
- Well, son, what’s new in the school today
- Nothing special, dad. We made some chemical experiments.
- And what will you learn in the school tomorrow?
- In which school?!
Jack stepped into a drug store.
- Do you have anything against “Viagra”?
- What do you mean, against? We’re selling “Viagra”.
- No, no, I need something against “Viagra”!
Hmm, and what’s your problem, sir?
- Well, our grandpa died five days ago but we still can’t cover the coffin!
A politician enters his home and cries excitedly:
- Woman, find your bathing costume and towels! They’ve gifted me two tickets for a “Swan Lake”!
Two blonds chat at a coffee break.
- Did you know that the New Year will be on a Friday this time?
- Ouch, it won’t be the 13th, I hope!
A saturday afternoon. Two blonds chat having coffee.
- My husband had brought a hen yesterday and said: “Prepare it fine for the Sunday!” And how could I know what hens wear on Sundays!? I spent the whole morning in boutiques but finally have got to find a lovely little dress for it. It would be O.K., I suppose.
Jack came home drunk. It was three in the morning. In the hall, his woman is waiting for him with a broom in her hand.
- What’s going on, woman? Are you cleaning the house or decided to fly away?
Jim has visiting the pub every day and having four beers – two for himself and two for his departed brother. One day he orders:
- Waiter, two beers!
- What, only two?!
- Yes, the doctor said I musn’t drink farther. From now I drink only two for my brother – he hasn’t any prohibition!
Funny Video : Santa is so drunk
It’s in romanian language, is to bad if you don’t understand, I understand and is so fuck’n funny…is so drunk, his calling to the information center to ask how to go in Laponia 
Funny Video : Womens and drink so fuck’n funny video shit
EMBED-The Wedding Crasher – Watch more free videos
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